Several years ago, I was chatting with friends at an event. One of the women in the group shared finding emotional, mental and spiritual freedom in the saying, “What other people think of you is none of your business”. Embracing the saying’s meaning released her from worry about other people’s opinions of her. She felt liberated. Emboldened. Secure. Pretty nice, right? We all encouraged our friend to keep at this pursuit of her newly empowered mindset.
A moment later the conversation lulled, and a different woman in our group spoke up, quietly and self-consciously. “I never want to know what other people think about me”, she confessed. Feeling surprised by this admission, I asked what she meant. She reluctantly went on to explain that she assumes people, even those she considers friends, think negative things about her–things like she’s unfriendly, judgmental or petty. She shared feeling like people don’t really like her, that she has deep insecurities. Wait. What? The thud from our collective jaws dropping to the floor was percussive. Until that moment I think we all believed this woman never worried about much of anything, let alone what people thought of her. She presented as cool, confident and with it. Always. Her admission was revelatory.
After I recovered my jaw from the ground, I reflected on the first time I met this woman. Uncomfortably, I admitted to myself that at that time I didn’t especially like her. I found her unfriendly. Really unfriendly. And a bit closed off. And cold. I’d forgotten those early impressions because thankfully, time and circumstance had allowed us to foster a casual friendship. Given my unfavorable first impressions, however, things could have certainly proceeded down a far less friendly path. I considered how differently I would have regarded this woman had I known from the moment we met that she harbored such insecurity. Certainly, I would have been more empathetic toward her, and I probably would have extended myself in more gracious, encouraging ways.
And this got me thinking: What if, instead of deducing (probably almost always incorrectly) people’s states of mind, we just knew how they felt? That instead of relying on our typically flawed perceptions, we had first-hand knowledge of each person’s tender psyche? What if we could literally read their feelings? Imagine reader boards floating above our heads, displaying our current, most candid, vulnerable sentiments. As days and circumstances unfolded, each person’s reader board would update, like ever changing train schedules, displaying our most dominant feelings.
Now friends, I can feel your teeth getting fuzzy at the mere suggestion that your deepest, most tender emotions be advertised for all the world to see. But take yourself out of the equation and think back to my friend. She admitted she was terrified to know what others thought of her. The first time I met her she was unfriendly. From that first impression I then crafted an internal narrative about her closed off style. If she had a reader board (a feeler board?), instead of focusing on my inaccurate perceptions, I could have focused on the truth: this woman, in the moment I met her, felt insecure. Knowing that, I could have offered her openness, love and embrace–instead of responding to my (incorrect) perception.
We don’t have the time, bandwidth or need to meaningfully engage with every person we encounter. That said, we still constantly form impressions of others, even when, and maybe especially when, we don’t know them. How often are those impressions rooted in our own insecurities or misgivings? If we’re being honest, I think the answer is, more often than we would like.
I believe in people. I do. I believe that we’re all doing the best we can. Every day, every minute, every second. Doesn’t mean we always show up, consciously or subconsciously, as our best selves. Sometimes the bar for our ‘best self’ might be closer to the bar for our ‘worst self’. Hopefully that doesn’t happen too often. Regardless, I believe people are doing their best to successfully navigate every minute of every day. Don’t believe me? The next time you’re having a challenge, ask yourself if you’re doing your best to get through that moment. Even if you’re not satisfied with your current mindset or behaviors, I bet in that moment you’re doing the best you can. (If you’re not, don’t worry—you can do better next time.)
So, give yourself and others some grace. That unfriendly checker at the market? Instead of ‘rude’ or ‘unprofessional’, what might their reader board display? (Sad, lonely, frustrated?) That mom who didn’t include your kid in a group outing when normally she does? (Stressed, forgetful, over wrought?) The woman at work who seems intent on getting to know you, even though you have neither the time nor the inclination? (Needy, afraid, hurting?) Our job is not to judge or fix these messages. Our job is to peer past the challenging message to the authentic message; then to offer grace so that our response to what we perceive is rooted in empathy.
Like meets like. So, in a world where you can get caught up in any narrative possible, think about what people’s reader boards might reveal. Allow yourself the opportunity to give energy rather than take it. Not all reader boards will be favorable. Sometimes people are just downright ugly acting. That’s ok. You don’t need to invite everybody into your world. But best friend or total stranger, ugly acting or delightful, each person we encounter is telling you something about themselves. We can respond to them based on generosity or judgement. I think you’ll find that responding with generosity leaves you feeling far better than responding with judgement.
Judgement begets judgement. Generosity begets generosity. Choose wisely when you are responding to a first (or even a second) impression. We may never really know what’s happening in that person’s world, but we can always behave in ways that bring about the best in ourselves, and hopefully in others, too.