Many of my work projects involve assessing what is working (and not working) in and across organizations. I use a variety of techniques to collect and analyze this information, and ultimately, the results reveal gaps in the current state versus what leaders and employees envision as their ideal state.
One problem that consistently shows up during the assessment phase is communication challenges. Employees report disconnects between what their leadership says and what the recipients hear. This basic miscommunication then grows in ways that do not benefit the individuals involved. I have a fundamental belief that everyone does their best to deliver messages that meet the needs of the listener. The problem comes in when we fail to absolve our own preconceived notions about what needs to be said.
Recently, I worked with an organization to assess employee morale. Through the interview phase of the discovery process I learned that many of the people in the organization felt their leaders didn’t hear them. They felt communication was top heavy and delivered via a telling, not listening approach. When I presented this information to the leadership team, several members became incensed. One in particular stated he talked to employees all the time, and that he couldn’t believe, despite having asked for the acquired information, that employees didn’t feel heard. This leader went on to outline the number of ways he had communicated with employees. Though his efforts were honorable and well intentioned, the fact remained that the employees did not feel their leader was listening to them.
When confronting communication challenges, I typically recommend two steps to correct the problem: 1). Accept what is true about the other person’s message, and; 2). Be willing to be wrong. Let me explain.
Accept what is true about the other person’s message. When any kind of a miscommunication occurs, each person will assert their “truths”. Think about the leader who was frustrated that employees didn’t feel he was listening to them. After receiving this feedback, he got busy defending all the ways he had reached out to employees. Though these efforts were honorable, they did not meet their intended objective: connect with employees through communication. The first thing this leader needed to do was process the fact that if employees reported that communication was top heavy and they didn’t feel heard, there is likely some truth to the statements. Not a fun message, especially for leaders who have been working hard to connect with employees. Being willing to accept what you hear, even if it’s a difficult message, will go a long way in healing a communication disconnect.
Be willing to be wrong, I was given this advice early in my career, and it has served me well. In order for forward movement to occur in any kind of a misunderstanding, we must be willing to humble ourselves to the message being communicated. This effort is ultimately challenging due to the fact that when differing views are presented, the parties involved spend a huge amount of time and energy attempting to convince the other person about the rightness of their point of view. This pattern is a natural and normal part of any kind of relationship, and I might even go so far as to say it’s a survival instinct—self-preservation. The problem, though, is that we don’t survive alone. We survive best with others. To have an effective relationship, whatever its nature, we must be willing to honor the other person’s perspective enough to allow them to be right. Trust me, once the other person feels heard, really heard, they will very likely jump at the chance to understand your point of view. For more on this topic, I highly recommend Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, with special emphasis on Habit 6, ‘Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood’.
Remember the group I mentioned earlier that felt their leadership didn’t listen to them? Well, that leadership team tried a new approach. They stopped talking so much and started listening, deeply and intentionally. Over time, the employees began to trust that their leadership was willing to listen to them, and perhaps most importantly, the employees felt heard. Make no mistake, the leadership team was not able to fulfill all of the staff requests, but because they had the benefit of empathic communication they did not form undue resentments and were able to move forward with increased effectiveness.
As a leader, I urge you to reflect on your communication skills. Do you accept the truth in what you hear, and are you willing to be wrong about your own point of view? If you answered yes, you are well on your way to mastering communication.